A Poem for Emerson, With His Back Turned

I hold my palm to the small of his back
The last connection before we fall asleep
And through it I feel pulsing
the spoken and unspoken
the heat, the heart, the desire.
I hold my palm to the small of his back
And it burns.

Happy New Year

So 2012 was actually pretty awesome. I moved in with my boyfriend, ran a half marathon, completed the capital ring, got a raise and a new job, started doing some volunteering that I absolutely love, was in London for the Olympics and Paralympics and also got away to Cornwall to stay in a beautiful yurt and then to Devon to see my stepbrother get married. And although I spend far too much time being anxious about things, I know I'm actually incredibly lucky and I'm very grateful for the people in my life and that I get to live in a time and place where I have so many advantages and options.

I always do I giant list of things I want to achieve in the next year and this year is no exception. I doubt I'll manage them all but I like having goals and lists and things to aim for so here goes.

1. Keep exercising. I want to be able to run 10k in under an hour and to beat my half marathon time. I've found it quite hard to motivate myself since I finished my half but I really want to keep going.
2. Work hard at work. Even if it's uninspiring keep going and do the best I can. Work out what I really want to be doing and make the effort to develop those aspects. Think seriously about a part time research masters. But don't let work take over my life
3. Keep on volunteering and possibly take on more. It makes me incredibly happy and I want to keep it in my life
4. Be proactive. Less time faffing around on the Internet and more time doing things. Do more craft, get round to starting a group in Camberwell, join the choir, start a new project, walk the London LOOP etc.etc.etc. I'm happier when I'm out and about doing stuff so DO STUFF
5. Doing stuff also includes blogging. Write more, create more, share more. Especially write more.
6. Make an effort with the people in my life. Try to see friends more often, keep in touch more, write thank you notes, invite people to things. I live with my best friend so it's easy to get lazy but I shouldn't. I know lots of amazing people and I want to cultivate that.
7. Find a way to be politically involved that doesn't break me. I hate our current government and learning about their continued stupidity angers and upsets me and I don't know what I can do. So I've mostly given up. But I need to carry on doing something. My latest plan is to send hand drawn postcards to ministers which isn't much but is at least using my voice.
8. Keep on top of my finances. I've sorted out a budget and for the moment I'm mostly living within my means and saving and paying off debt. I want to keep this up all this year so by 2014 I can be debt free with a healthy savings buffer. I don't need to buy as much rubbish as I do, so hopefully I can remember that and keep to what I need to.
9. Lose 3 1/2 stone. I almost hate writing that down. I have such issues with dieting and the obsession women have with their weight and the idea that you have to be thin to be happy and you should be miserable if not. I've never dieted in my life and I really don't want to screw my metabolism over and I don't want to be one of those joyless people who obsess about food and talk about "being good" as if their moral worth depends on whether they order a salad or not. I want my life to be full and happy regardless of my weight and it is. But I also know, despite eating lots of seasonal fruit and veg and cooking from scratch and exercising (although that's slipped recently), I am not nearly as healthy as I should be. There are certain medication the doctors won't put me on because of my weight, I eat far far too much rubbish and have too little self control. I want to eat more healthily and feel better in myself and not eat a whole packet of biscuits because it's there. So I'm actually going to make a concerted effort to lose weight. I'm not going to starve myself of deny myself everything but I am going to eat properly and less and actually make an effort. And by writing it down and putting it here hopefully it will make it more likely to happen.

I hope you all have a fabulous 2013.