Sweet FA

“The message of fat acceptance is that fat bodies deserve just as much respect as any other body. It’s a surprisingly radical notion.”

I put this list of links together for a facebook group I'm part of around health, diet and exercise as I think that mental health and accepting yourself are key to health in general and I feel quite lucky in that I've always been fat and never had incredibly negative feelings about that but I know others have different experiences. I'm not an expert in this at all but I have done a bit of reading and I found a lot of the ideas very very helpful to my self esteem and my attitude to weight and health.  Obviously I don't follow this way of thinking entirely as I am actively trying to lose weight but I do try and keep the key things I've learnt at the front of my mind. For me they are:

• I am a valid human being worthy of respect regardless of my size
• There are far far more important things for me to spend my energy on that worrying about fitting an unobtainable idea.
• Fat itself isn't a bad word- it's a description of my body- it doesn't mean I'm lazy, disgusting, or any of the other negative things that can be associated with it. It's just a word and a description and that's fine

I first found out about FA from articles on Fatshion- this one in fact in the guardian which is well worth reading
http://www.guardian.co.uk/theguardian/2010/jan/30/fat-fashion-blogs
Some of the blogs are brilliant (http://www.gabifresh.com/)
And I really think it's worth spending some time looking through the flickr gallery
http://www.flickr.com/groups/fatshionista/pool/
Because normally when we see people of fat people they are often headless pictures of people illustrating the obesity epidemic. We aren't used to seeing fat people as people with lives and personalities and all the other good stuff. It's terrifying how normally the only images we see are very thin photoshopped people and it's good to remember that actually there are lots of people who don't look like that, are looking awesome and living their lives.

I read more about fat acceptance and like the political aspect of it as well.
These blogs are a good place to start
http://www.therotund.com/?page_id=190
http://kateharding.net/faq/but-dont-you-realize-fat-is-unhealthy/

This article about CV fitness being a better indicator of health than obesity is also good
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/09/120904193052.htm

I don't follow all of it but I think treating everyone with respect and dignity and valuing people regardless of physical appearance (including yourself) is really important.
Some other great articles about this
http://blog.twowholecakes.com/2011/10/round-the-mulberry-bush-kids-food-and-the-hierarchy-of-needs/#more-697
http://www.xojane.com/healthy/time-i-got-naked-cancer

And Marianne and Lesley are generally awesome and I love their writing
http://www.xojane.com/author/Marianne
http://www.xojane.com/author/lesley
And basically anything on XO Jane tagged as fat will be worth your time
http://www.xojane.com/list/fat

Especially this about the scales
http://www.xojane.com/issues/zoe-saldana-star-trek-allure-cover-and-the-radical-possibilities-of-disclosing-your-weight

Re-reading these links did make me wonder about my approach to weight loss and health and the amount of time I've spent these last six months thinking about food and exercise. On one level I feel very selfish and worry I'm becoming one of those people who are dull and obsessive about something that really isn't that important. On the other hand I enjoy exercising. It's good to practise some will power and restraint and the TDEE diet I've found has been really good for me and I haven't felt deprived or hungry and I don't think eating less than I was before but still plenty to keep me going is necessarily a bad thing. Plus being able to buy clothes more easily is nice. I do need to start focussing more on other things too though. Looking back at my new years resolutions political involvement is still alluding me and I know I still spend far too much time on the internet instead of doing things and making things. I still feel like I want a project but I'm not sure what. But reading these inspirational articles is a step in the right direction.

Self Help

Growing up there were a lot of self help books around the house- Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway, End the Struggle and Dance With Life, Life is Short- Wear Your Party Pants. I did then and do now love a good self help book. And while many can be trite and obvious actually they can be very helpful indeed. Every now and again a phrase will float into my mind at the appropriate moment and really resonate. One that I'm trying to remind myself of often at the moment is a paraphrase from one of my favourite books (that sadly I can remember nothing about except (I think) it had a green triangle on the cover). It went something like this: This thing you're worrying about- can you do anything about it? Yes? Then do it. No? Then stop worrying about it. Not exactly reinventing the world as we know it but incredibly useful none the less.

I have a particular soft spot for the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People too. Yes it's full of marketing wank and exercises that you're never going to do. Yes he makes his family sit down and talk through and write out a family manifesto every year. Yes it's cheesy as hell. But fundamentally it's about being a good person and remembering what's important and getting on with things. And whilst I'd never subject anyone else to it, I did a few years ago sit down and write a manifesto of the person I wanted to be. I read it today and it was good. I'm not there yet (There's a bit about dealing well with change I'm still a long way from) but largely I'm getting there.

There's lots of things in the world I want to fix. There's lots of things about me that I'd like to change. But it's good to remember every now and again that you can do things to improve both yourself and the world around you. You can mock all you want but you know life is short, and these party pants aren't going to wear themselves.

The lady's not for mourning

One of my earliest memories is playing a game with my sister in our kitchen where we tried to put bats up Saddam Hussein and Margaret Thatcher's nighties. It was the late 80s and in our house those figures were the ultimate baddies- bogeymen whom the media and our parents had taught us to hate.

Later as an adult I asked my dad if he felt bad indoctrinating us to hate Thatcher that much. "Absolutely not!" was the response. As far as he was concerned it was the same as teaching your children right and wrong. Tories were and are to be despised. My dad also taught me the difference between right and left wing "right wing cares about money, left wing cares about people". Simplistic it may be but as I've grown up I've found very little evidence to the contrary. Fundamentally, I believe, this difference of priorities what sits at the heart of political ideologies.

Growing up in a post Thatcher world I find it hard to conjure the same hatred my parents feel but I've grown up with the legacy she left. The "greed is good" culture and deregulation that brought about the banking crisis, the huge inequality between rich and poor, the lack of housing stock, the horrendous privatised rail system. I've also, it must be said, benefited from a general increase in wealth that the country has seen in the last 30 years. But overall from everything I read about her and modern Tories there is a lack of compassion and a stigmatising of those in situations of disadvantage that makes me furious. I don't agree that "there is no such thing as society" that there are "skivers and strivers" that people have children just to get more benefit money. For all Labour's faults they worked to get children out of poverty, to introduce a national minimum wage, to give more people a better shot at education. And the backward steps we're taking in these areas fill me with rage.

I disagree with the whole argument that we shouldn't celebrate someone's death because they have friends and family. So does Nick Griffin and so did Saddam Hussein, but I don't see any need to crow or gloat. As a political actor Thatcher lost power a long time ago. As a political ideology her legacy goes on and on. I don't want to celebrate but I don't want to mourn. I want to take this opportunity to remember that compassion is better than greed and that society does exist and it is vital. I want to make sure I'm doing all I can in my everyday life to believe in people not money and work to make things better. Putting bats up tories' nighties is probably not the most efficient strategy but I hope continuing to support and care for people and not buying into their rhetoric means I won't let them win.


Edit:
Billy Bragg said it all so much better-

"This is not a time for celebration. The death of Margaret Thatcher is nothing more than a salient reminder of how Britain got into the mess that we are in today. Of why ordinary working people are no longer able to earn enough from one job to support a family; of why there is a shortage of decent affordable housing; of why domestic growth is driven by credit, not by real incomes; of why tax-payers are forced to top up wages; of why a spiteful government seeks to penalise the poor for having an extra bedroom; of why Rupert Murdoch became so powerful; of why cynicism and greed became the hallmarks of our society.

"Raising a glass to the death of an infirm old lady changes none of this. The only real antidote to cynicism is activism. Don't celebrate -- organise!"

Happy New Year

So 2012 was actually pretty awesome. I moved in with my boyfriend, ran a half marathon, completed the capital ring, got a raise and a new job, started doing some volunteering that I absolutely love, was in London for the Olympics and Paralympics and also got away to Cornwall to stay in a beautiful yurt and then to Devon to see my stepbrother get married. And although I spend far too much time being anxious about things, I know I'm actually incredibly lucky and I'm very grateful for the people in my life and that I get to live in a time and place where I have so many advantages and options.

I always do I giant list of things I want to achieve in the next year and this year is no exception. I doubt I'll manage them all but I like having goals and lists and things to aim for so here goes.

1. Keep exercising. I want to be able to run 10k in under an hour and to beat my half marathon time. I've found it quite hard to motivate myself since I finished my half but I really want to keep going.
2. Work hard at work. Even if it's uninspiring keep going and do the best I can. Work out what I really want to be doing and make the effort to develop those aspects. Think seriously about a part time research masters. But don't let work take over my life
3. Keep on volunteering and possibly take on more. It makes me incredibly happy and I want to keep it in my life
4. Be proactive. Less time faffing around on the Internet and more time doing things. Do more craft, get round to starting a group in Camberwell, join the choir, start a new project, walk the London LOOP etc.etc.etc. I'm happier when I'm out and about doing stuff so DO STUFF
5. Doing stuff also includes blogging. Write more, create more, share more. Especially write more.
6. Make an effort with the people in my life. Try to see friends more often, keep in touch more, write thank you notes, invite people to things. I live with my best friend so it's easy to get lazy but I shouldn't. I know lots of amazing people and I want to cultivate that.
7. Find a way to be politically involved that doesn't break me. I hate our current government and learning about their continued stupidity angers and upsets me and I don't know what I can do. So I've mostly given up. But I need to carry on doing something. My latest plan is to send hand drawn postcards to ministers which isn't much but is at least using my voice.
8. Keep on top of my finances. I've sorted out a budget and for the moment I'm mostly living within my means and saving and paying off debt. I want to keep this up all this year so by 2014 I can be debt free with a healthy savings buffer. I don't need to buy as much rubbish as I do, so hopefully I can remember that and keep to what I need to.
9. Lose 3 1/2 stone. I almost hate writing that down. I have such issues with dieting and the obsession women have with their weight and the idea that you have to be thin to be happy and you should be miserable if not. I've never dieted in my life and I really don't want to screw my metabolism over and I don't want to be one of those joyless people who obsess about food and talk about "being good" as if their moral worth depends on whether they order a salad or not. I want my life to be full and happy regardless of my weight and it is. But I also know, despite eating lots of seasonal fruit and veg and cooking from scratch and exercising (although that's slipped recently), I am not nearly as healthy as I should be. There are certain medication the doctors won't put me on because of my weight, I eat far far too much rubbish and have too little self control. I want to eat more healthily and feel better in myself and not eat a whole packet of biscuits because it's there. So I'm actually going to make a concerted effort to lose weight. I'm not going to starve myself of deny myself everything but I am going to eat properly and less and actually make an effort. And by writing it down and putting it here hopefully it will make it more likely to happen.

I hope you all have a fabulous 2013.

Flat Pack Joy

When my parents were divorcing my Mum's new house was fully furnished from Ikea. While I loved building the furniture and the ingenious methods by which it fitted together I also hated the shop. And mostly because this advert constantly rubbing salt into my adolescent wounds.



I have now grown older and wiser and my hatred has abated. And although most of my furniture is from freecycle I do love a trip to Ikea. Plus even when furniture has been in storage for 7 years they will still send you replacement parts! We now have a reasonable size table in our flat and can eat facing each other rather than the window. Plus two new step parents and a pair of step siblings later they were probably right. Happier families all round and stylish Swedish furniture. Everyone's a winner.

Personal training

I recently joined a new gym. It's close to work, cheap, contract-free and has loads of classes incldung a lunchtime spin class that nearly killed me. Having trained all summer for my half marathon I'm determined not to let me new-found fitness go to waste while it's too dark in the evenings to run. Except every time I go to the gym I'm confronted with this poster and it makes my blood boil.

I know some of it is me being over-sensitive. That despite how much I like and embrace the Health at Every Size agenda I still feel insecure in my body. That even though I can now run 13 miles continuously I still feel fat and foolish going to do exercise. And every time I see this poster that's what I feel- fat and foolish. And it's no accident. The whole premise of the poster is women are all fat and unnatractive and inherently worthless without other people's approval. All Ladies! need to Lose the Fat! Not just the overweight women- the assumtion is that every single woman in that gym will feel she needs to lose weight. And why? Because Christmas is coming. You're going to go to parties and wear sexy clothes and eat nice food. And it's such a sad state of affairs that instead of that being a good thing it's a cause of anxiety. Here it's a veiled threat- how dare you celebrate and look good and, god forbid, eat, when you are so incredibly fat and hideous. People will judge you and mock you and you can't possibly enjoy any of those things without other people's approval which you will only get when you Lose the Fat! (and pay a trainer lots of money). This advert isn't saying those things explicitly but it's using a shared language of understanding- the way women are meant to talk about and think about themselves- I'm so ugly, I'll never look good, I shouldn't eat nice things. And while this advert isn't responsible for those codes or attitudes, it is perpetuating them. And every time I visit the gym, every time I do something positive for my health that makes me feel better about myself I'm confronted by this advert telling me I'm fat and worthless. And it makes me angry.

Maybe though that's how they market to everyone? This isn't really a sexist poster suggesting women's only motivation for going to the gym is to look good for other people, it's how they treat all their customers. Or maybe not.

Men who go to the gym aren't universally assumed to be fat. They are strong, lean and fit and could be even stronger, leaner and fitter. Men you are awesome and could be even awesomer. Why oh why can't women be told the same thing? 

Perry and Posters

Do you ever have that thing where you notice something, or hear about it and suddenly it's everywhere? That's been happening to me a lot lately. I visited my boyfriends family home and met his parents for the fist time last weekend. Only six months after we moved in together, you know, not overdue or anything. On his bedroom door he has a poster, placed there when he was twelve or so and hasn't been moved in over 20 years. A list of instructions for living, shine your shoes, say please and thank you, never refuse a brownie an other phrases and sayings that when you're 12 seem profound. Less than a week later I found exactly the same list, this time accredited to a 95 year old man bestowing advice to his grandchildren, as opposed to poster designers coming up with lists of what would sell to impressionable teenagers, pinned to someone's inspiration board on Pinterest. The same advice, the same cheesy but reassuring homilies that life will be ok- you just need to eat more cake and mind your manners.

Another one of those things that's been popping up everywhere in my life is the Perry Preschool Project. A trial from 1960s America where they gave half of the group of poor black children pre-school and half not. And found over the course of the next 40+ years that although the educational benefits weren't lasting the social ones were: kids with pre-school had better relationships, less drug and alcohol problems, less arrests, less time in prison, less unemployment and earned more money. This research, which I should have been aware of in my line of work for several years has recently been popping up all over the place, on the website for my new job, at an All Party Parliamentary Group meeting I was lucky enough to attend recently and today, walking home, on an episode of the podcast This American Life. It's reinforced something I did already know, although I didn't have as much evidence as I should to back it up- that early years is the most vital time for children and where so much more of our time and resources and support should be going. And not just through pre-school but through parental support too. What happens to a child between conception and five is can set the course for the rest of their lives and we need as a society to make sure that is the best experience possible. Not just through better parenting and supporting parents to know what they should be doing (although that's important) but by addressing structural inequalities in our society that mean parents with the least money often have the least opportunities for positive parenting because of the other very real issues they're facing.

Preschool and parents who have the ability to be engaged and involved in their child's learning and development can transform a child's life chance. Children who are securely attached to their care giver, who know there is someone who can care for them and soothe them and protect them, some one who can teach them life lessons and support them, have the best start in life. Not all of life's lessons are are cheesy as the ones in the poster, but supporting parents to pass them on to their children should be everyone's priority.

As an aside- I've read that advice three tmes now- apart from the trees and the sunsets it's getting more and more profound each time.

Cut it out

A couple of years ago, shortly after I moved to London there was a big campaign on the tube advertising plastic surgery. I wrote to TfL to complain:

Hello

I am writing to comment/complain about advertising on the tube, specifically the advertising for plastic surgery.

I actually like the majority of posters on the tube. I like to be told about upcoming plays, I’m happy to be reminded about useful services such as insurance and welcome being told about charities and what I can to do help make the world a bit better. I resent strongly being told that my body is inadequate and would benefit from plastic surgery.

I find the recent adverts that have appeared all along the Northern Line (and very possibly other lines too) hugely offensive, offensive to me personally, offensive to women and offensive to people in general. I do not wish to be told on my way to and from work that I would be happier and more confident if I subjected myself to painful and potentially dangerous surgery, that my life would be vastly improved if only my breasts were the acceptable size. I find this message infinitely more offensive than the 15th century work of art used to advertise the Royal Academy that was banned from the underground last year.

I appreciate that this email will probably have very little impact on your policies for advertising but as I walked past the poster for the umpteenth time today and found myself getting angry again, I felt I had to do something, however small, to try and persuade people to stop making money by telling people they are unacceptable and cannot value themselves as people unless they spend vast amounts of money and attempt to conform to an unrealistic and unattainable idea of ‘beauty’.

Best wishes

Lizzie Poulton

As expected the response was a typically mealy-mouthed "sorry you felt offended but we aren't going to do anything about it".

I was really pleased to see that leading plastic surgeons and feminist organisation have got together to call for the regulation of plastic surgery advertising in the same way as prescription drugs ads are regulated. You can find out more and sign the petition here.

Wedding Skulls

Last weekend I went to France to celebrate Lisa and Solal's wedding. I finally got the hang of the skull potholders and made them as a wedding gift.




The weekend was fabulous. Ariel and I travelled down from London to the little villiage in Normandy on the Friday. It took around 14 hours but was much more fun than I had anticipated. And who doesn't love a ferry?


The beach was beautiful, with and without instagram.



The wedding itself took place in New York last December. This was a celebration for European friends and family (and a few visiting Americans). Mussels, frites, wine and conversation at a restaurant on the beach as the sun set into the ocean.



The food was gorgeous (they even managed something vegetarian for me) and the restaurant amazing. We sat outside on the sand, they cooked meat over an open fire and the decor was...interesting. Impressive cross-stitch below


On Sunday everyone else went on/back to Paris. I was staying that evening and walked the 6k along the beach to the lighthouse at the end.



And travelling home on Monday I took some time in the local town to see the sights.

Vive la romance <3

Memorial

Today we went to Highgate Cemetry. Although it wasn't planned this way it seemed an appropriate date to be there. In the beautiful sunshine surrounded by high victorian tombs borrowing from classical, egyptian, celtic and christian tradition it was hard not to be thinking about life and death and history and sacrifice and memorial. What I found most moving was the variety and inclusivity- jews buried next to christians; George Eliot's obelisk next to lesser known but, it seemed, no less loved contemporaries; Polish resistance fighters; music-hall stars; humanists and communists and a host of nationalities resting and remembered side by side. Particularly striking were those who were buried in London because they had been exiled from their own countries, whose views and actions and passion and bravery meant they ended their journey so far from where they began it. In the corner of the East Cemetery, in the shadow almost of the Karl Marx memorial was a group of graves with inscriptions in English and Arabic. Many with similar inscriptions to the one below:


All the dates that I saw for this group were late '90s. I couldn't help wonder what they'd think of the world as it is today. My own thoughts are too long and rambling but there is one thing I wanted to share: I'm proud to live in a world where so many people strive and have strived to make it a better place. I'm proud to live in a country where those who have been braver than I can ever imagine have been able to take refuge, I'm proud to live in a society where those with different beliefs and languages and customs can live side by side and lie side by side in death. The world is a scary, complicated place and in the last ten years has felt even more so and even more divided. I know nothing about Irving Edward Teitelbaum but I think he had it right- Integrity and Humanity. That's what I'm focussing on today.

There's more to life than hair

I like Aussie hair products. They're a bit more expensive that I would normally stretch to but they smell amazing and work really well so if they were on offer or just as a treat I'd often splash out. I also liked their tag-line: “There's more to life than hair but it's a good place to start”. Unlike other products they were admitting that shampoo wasn't the most important thing in the world. To use some wanky marketing speak Aussie was a brand I related to; their target audience seemed to be women like me- women who like to look nice but have more important things in their lives than just their appearance.

On the tube on Friday night though I noticed this advert and suddenly I no longer wanted to be the kind of woman who bought Aussie hair products. And it seemed obvious I wasn't the kind of person Aussie wanted buying their shampoo either. Beacause it seems Aussie don't credit their customers with much intelligence.

(Click the image to make it big enough to read)

Aussie don't expect much of the women who buy their products. These women don't care about history (BORING), they care about astrology- although the concept of how astrology is supposed to work is a bit beyond them (Capricorn, Pisces whatever, lets get DRUNK). It seems there is indeed more to life than hair- there is also being thin and wearing shoes you can't walk in- great, thanks Aussie (woo-hoo!)

I don't know about you but I can think of loads of other things a woman could use as an excuse to celebrate that isn't just she's starved herself to be socially acceptable.
How about:
A promotion at work
Being accepted onto the course you wanted to study
Clearing your inbox
A successful meeting
The return of your favourite TV Show (even if going out means you're going to have to record it anyway)

And those are just the generic ones. For me personally I'm much more likely to celebrate finishing a difficult crochet project, completing my 50 book challenge, walking the whole of the capital ring or making a really good tortilla. But as I said, I don't think I'm the kind of woman Aussie wants to appeal to.

Which is good because I don't think I'll be buying their products any more.

Dinosaurs and evolution and religion and cake

Yesterday Emerson and I went to see the dinosaurs in Crystal Palace. As is often the way I ranted at him about a lot of things and he listened and made excellent and constructive comments and agreed with me, humoured me and challenged me. I had been all a bit grumpy that morning and it was exactly what I needed. Coincidentally that morning I had been looking at various things about evolution. Firstly this via Ben Goldacre about Miss America.



The fact this is even asked as a question bothers me. Now I don't understand science. I don't understand how things work, and I have yet to meet a person who can explain to be how we know a lightbulb gives out light rather than sucks in dark. But I love that there are people out there who do understand science. Things I don't remotely understand have put people on the moon, allowed a magnetic strip to pay for my shopping and mean that anyone with an internet connection can read my ramblings. Although it's still important to try understand and also continue to be inquisitive and questioning I remain very ignorant. But I know that the world I live in today is only possible because the scientific establishment has made it so. And if I trust science enough to fly in a plane without it falling from the sky I'm going to have to say yes to Evolution. Next year maybe they can ask Miss USA if germ theory should be taught or it should be replaced by the idea that disease is a punishment from God?

And talking of germ theory, have you been to see Dirt at the Wellcome Collection? No? Then you should. And afterwards I can bore you at length about it's implication on religion :-)

Continuing along the science and evolution theme I read this yesterday. A scientist's response to a little girl who has been brainwashed into creationism. It's beautiful and I love the part about good and bad questions.

"You already knew the answer to the "Were you there?" question, but you don't know the answer to the "How do you know that?" question. That means the person answering it will tell you something you don't know, and you will learn something new. And that is the coolest thing ever"

.
That's something I want to do more of- ask questions where I genuinely don't know the answer.

After the dinosaurs we wandered around Crystal Palace and saw amazing veiws and bought second hand books and ate Brazilian cake and ranted about religion. I found myself, again, going on and on about how amazing the podcast of A History of the World in 100 Objects from the British Museum is. I'm only half way through and I'm a better person for it. And a global, millenia-long history of human society and belief has been very helpful for my poor little religion addled head. And simlarly to the science thing- I am so glad and so grateful to live in a world where intelligent people have learnt so much and recorded and shared so much.

And while I'm banging on about sharing and humanity and how glad I am to be alive, I went to see this last week. It was epic and beautiful. Go see it if you can.

Holiday Traditions.

So I wrote this, got depressed and decided to go and visit my sister this weekend. But as I've not posted for a while I thought I'd put it up anyway. Apologies- it really is ramblings...

So Sunday is Easter.
And I have no idea how I'm supposed to be celebrating.
I honestly can't remember what we did as a family when I was younger.
Essentially not that much. Growing up with two parents who had long since rejected the religion they had been indoctrinated into as children, it was never a cause for celebration.
I do remember one year searching in vain for Easter eggs in the back garden after my friend had told me the Easter bunny left her chocolate in hers. My parents unfortunately had no forewarning- just a crying eight year old who had found nothing but molehills.

When I was in America the church I attended with my host family was swamped on Easter Sunday. And the week following Pastor launched a scathing attack on those who saw religion as a twice a year thing. Easter in America was a hot, stuffy church service and a meal for 40 family members involving large amounts of mashed potato and several screaming children.

This year I'm conflicted. The casual blasphemy that I hear all around niggles. Although I don't and can't believe in the God I was pressured into loving in America I can't reject it all entirely. But it's not something I want to celebrate. I don't want to be a part time Christian that Pastor George so resented. I don't want to just accept the nice bits and ignore the rest of it (even if years of study/deprogramming has taught me that is an unavoidable part of interpreting a book that has two mutually exclusive creation stories in the first three chapters).

Christmas brings out the crazy in me a little less. I'm comfortable with the fact that Jesus existed and I'm happy to acknowledge the birth of one of the most influential men in history. And the original pagan routes of the celebration appeal much more strongly. Also Christmas to me is all about family, it's about giving and love. Easter on the other hand was only ever about chocolate. And normally disappointment. That I didn't have enough, or I was too greedy to make it last. And later, after the brainwashing, it was about a man who died for my sins who I totally rejected. It was about the last bit of Christianity that I couldn't accept.

As it's not a family celebration I'm not seeing anyone. In fact I expect to spend the day pretty much alone, probably moving some stuff across to my new flat and cleaning where I'm currently staying and eating myself into a chocolate and wheat coma. Lent is one bit of Christianity I get. And one of the only ways I have any will power. Although since giving up chocolate and all things wheat I have essentially just replaced my 4p.m. sugar-crash chocolate/cake/biscuit with toffee popcorn, so it possibly hasn't been a complete success.

I think next year though I'm going to plan it a bit better, think of a better way to celebrate, or maybe try to find something I'm comfortable with celebrating.

BEDA and NLM

Apparently this month is Blog Every Day in April. Or so a beautiful girl I half know on the internet has told me. It seems like the ideal project for me as I'm trying to ramp up my creativity and write more. Unfortunately I've missed the first week and don't at the present time quite have the will-power to commit. But I like their list of suggested topics and am planning to include several in my ramblings this month.

One of those topics is the subject of crushes. Currently I am worryingly obsessed with this man: Chase Whiteside.



He's intelligent, articulate, politically aware, switched on, creative, talented, interesting and really quite pretty. Sadly he is also 3000 miles away, unaware of my existence and gay. (Although not sadly for all those lucky gay guys in Ohio (and to go on a tangent, that “oh it's such a shame he's gay, what a waste” rubbish is fantastically put down here (01.06))).

Chase is, with Erick Stoll, one half of film-making duo New Left Media, best known for their (often terrifying) films where they point a camera at Tea Party supporters and let them explain their views.



This style of documentary appeals because while it's not directly aggressive and attacking, it is exposing the level of ignorance that people with very strongly-felt views often have about their subjects. And crucially it's not a one sided thing; the films they made at the Rally for Sanity and/or Fear showed that many on the left had similarly shallow understanding of of the politics they were willing to go out on the street and espouse.



It's film-making that makes you think, and question your own understanding of your views, opinions and beliefs. It makes me want to read more, learn more, understand more.

It also, to an extent, cripples me with the knowledge of my own ignorance. There is so much I disagree with but how can I be sure I'm right? The current government is, to the best of my understanding, attempting to dismantle years of progress and roll back the state to a level that would be deeply damaging to so many people that rely on it's services. And it would also, through widening inequality, be damaging to all citizens in the UK, including the 18 millionaires in the cabinet that never have and never will need public services. Two weeks ago, along with an estimated half a million people I marched through the streets of London to ask them to stop. There is a lot more I feel I should be doing: occupying tax-dodging shops with UKUncut, making a fuss about NHS reforms, waging war on an unrepentant banking system. But with so many issues around (the range of causes and banners at the march was heartbreaking) how can I possibly be knowledgeable enough to respond sensibly to all that I need to? I don't think handing over spending decisions to GPs and opening up the door to more private companies is a good idea but I've never dealt with unwieldy Primary Care Trusts and I don't work in the NHS so how can I possibly know? But I feel what's at stake is too important to not act at all. Ultimately I suppose I just have to accept my ignorance, do my best to remedy it and form my opinions based on what I can see of the world around me and my belief that people, not money are more important. And at the same time to try to listen to and not automatically not dismiss people with opposing views. While I am of course disappointed that the Lib Dem's role in the coalition seems to be to prop up rather than tone down Tory policies I refuse to give up on the idea that political compromise can work. I want to live in a society where people and politicians can work together and I need to make sure I'm trying to create that world.

I think empathy is absolutely key to the kind of world I want to live in. What's obvious from watching the New Left Media Tea Party videos, or reading BNP literature or listening to Cameron talk on multiculturalism is that a lot of the views I see as so distasteful come from people who haven't had the ability, opportunity or need to see life from other people's perspective, to be able to see past their own world and appreciate that immigrants or gay people or women have valid and full lives that should be equally valued. Meeting people from different backgrounds, reading about people who are different to you, television, film can all play a part in this. Another documentary from NLM and the one that first brought them to my attention was focused on the fight for marriage equality in Maine. It's a different style of documentary and it's all about the people. It is political but in a different way. It's about people and it's about the most universal of human experiences: love. My English teacher from when I studied in Maine features in this video. When he says “It hurts” how can you not feel his pain?





So thank you Chase Whiteside (and Erick) for what you do. Now if only I was a gay man in the Midwest...

iPhone Dating

A few months ago, having settled in London, adjusted to a new job, a new flat and I new life I realised something. I wasn't going to meet the love of my life, or indeed any man at a predominantly female literacy charity, through my (female) Australian flatmates (with whom I had nothing in common) or through my blissfully coupled up friends. And fun as it was watching Time Team on 4od and learning about international literacy rates my hobbies weren't exactly conducive to meeting new people. So with some trepidation I signed up to internet dating. And because this is the modern world and I am a little too influenced by apple's advertising/brainwashing campaign I downloaded the app too.

To pay or not to pay?

I signed up to the service as the adverts promised it was free. I didn’t read the small print. Free to have a profile, free to wink, free to favourite and free to REPLY to messages. Which basically means you have to hang around and hope that someone talks to you. And being internet dating, there are loads of people doing the same. That creates a dilemma. Stereotypically people paying money for these services are those you are less eager to date- the desperate, the socially inept, those that have literally no other option. The people who don't pay are those who are giving internet dating a try but aren't sure that they should really be doing it. And those are the normal, interesting people you’d most like to date But if all the normal people stand round the edge, winking from afar no one’s ever going to get anywhere. So I took the plunge, signed up for 3 months. Cheaper than one month but seemed less desperate than six. I couldn’t hugely afford it but like so much I can’t afford I put it on my credit card so it will make me poor in two months time rather than now.

To wink or not to wink?

Having decided to go for it the next thing was to actually contact some of the guys on the site. The easiest way to do this is to “wink”. Some thing about the vocab of internet dating puts me off. I don’t want to wink at people. If anyone were to wink at me in a bar I would look the other way. Winking as far as I’m concerned is for terrible double entrendres, Anne Robinson and people who have dust in their eyes. Vocab aside the idea of winking at someone online is a little bit scary. It’s putting yourself out there, its drawing attention to your self, it’s admitting you like someone when they might have no interest on you. None of these things am I any good at (maybe if I was I wouldn’t have needed to join in the first place?) However now I was signed up and committed wink I must. The first few were a little scary- was I sure? Did I really want to be doing this? Should I wink even though he includes Bravo Two Zero in his favourite books? I soon got over all of this though to become something of a wink slut. I was casting the net wide. I still had to like something on their profile. I still had to find something in their description interesting but I made the decision not to worry and started winking a anyone who might be interesting to chat to and meet not just potential husband material. There were several deal breakers. I wouldn't contact people without photos, If they couldn’t think f anything to say except ‘I can’t think of anything to say’ I didn’t bother. And anyone who lists The Alchelmist as their favourite book is no friend of mine. But in general I was pretty free with my winks- what’s the worst that could happen?

Mexican bankers

My first date was Roberto, Mexican with curly surfer boy hair. He looked friendly, sexy and exotic. Although in reality he wore a blazer and corduroy trousers and a crew cut. He worked in banking and took great delight in mentioning how very much he earned. He was hoping to go back to Mexico and start a business because “you don't have to pay the workers or pay insurance there”. Although, I hope it goes without saying, we never saw each other again I did learn a lot about the mentality of the finance sector and I discovered my Spanish was still good enough to have a full on argument.

WWJD

The next date I arranged was with a polo player. I do not play polo, I know nothing about it and I don’t really feel comfortable around rich people who value money above all else. And it’s pretty hard to imagine anyone other that the pretty damn comfortably off enjoying a game that as far as I understand requires not only horse but also sticks, a private school education, a love of the Telegraph and the Conservatives and a personal connection to the royal family. I have however read lots of Jilly Cooper. I love JC- I love the gossip, the scandal, the impossibly rich and glamourous lifestyle of the Rutshire elite- bed hopping and playing competitive sport and riding around in helicopters. I don’t know why this appeals so strongly when my objective lefty brain rejects all the characters stand for but there is something just so darn appealing about the idea of getting rogered by Rupert Campbell Black. So I decided to on a date with a polo player, to dress up in my finest and stick to my mantra WWJD (what would Jilly Do). I was excited.

Cancellation policy

Polo boy cancelled. He had an ear infection. I would've be less pissed off if he wasn’t the third boy in a row to do so. And if that didn’t bring the total to 3 out of 4. All had perfectly reasonable excuses; busy at work, family emergency, inner ear issues, but I couldn’t help but feeling maybe they were just scared. Winking and flirting through a computer or phone is all very well but actually in person is a step too far. And not even necessarily because they were computer geeks who can only communicate through machines. Actually I think it’s the opposite- that they were a bit embarrassed to be doing internet dating in the first place. L. (who seemed the most suitable match) and I had some long text conversations but his work remained ‘mental’ and it was never to be. A. messaged me several times after cancelling and I got slower and slower about replying. Partly because I was busy but mostly because I was put off by his punctuation. I expect I’m being horribly judgemental but I didn’t see myself ending up with a man who is quite so free with is exclamation marks. I was doubtful before the date but I wanted to meet up to see. With every subsequent message and erroneous apostrophe that possibility got further and further away. Polo boy being the well brought up fellow that he is was polite and efficient in rescheduling our date and the following week I found myself at the poshest restaurant I'd ever been to in my life.

Tory boy

My date with polo boy turned out to be far more fun than I ever expected. Despite our diametrically opposed political views (you helped get David Cameron elected leader of the conservatives? ok.... And now you're showing me photos of the two of you together? Ummm....) I had a lot of fun. It was good to know I could hold a conversation with someone about topics we had very different views about and it be just that- a conversation and not a slagging match. I went into the whole experience with the idea of listening and asking questions and not automatically getting into a fight and do you know what- it was great! I've never in my whole life met anyone who is a member of a gentleman's club, let alone someone my age and it was interesting to find out the reasoning behind it, it was fun to drink cocktails and eat in a restaurant with food so beautiful I had to photograph it and it was really enjoyable to know that despite our differences we could find lots of things in common. When the night ended I felt I had made a new friend, not a potential boyfriend but a potential friend who could expose me to different experiences and challenge me to explore and defend my opinions. It wasn't something I expected to find going into the whole internet dating experience but I was grateful for it. Unfortunately due to personal circumstances plans to meet up again fell through and we dropped out of contact but it was definitely a highlight of my iPhone dating career

The end of the road

Sadly there weren't too many highlights after that. I went on a succession of dates with dull, right-wing and/or downright strange men. One practically liked my neck when we kissed hello and kept his sunglasses on indoors. Another ranted against the NHS for over 30 minutes. And I realised while I could quite happily chat rubbish with these guys for an evening, there hadn't actually been anyone I'd either wanted to see again or sleep with. So when my three month subscription lapsed I didn't renew. While I don't regret my first foray into the world of internet dating there are a few things I think let me down. Firstly the service I chose- which I realised too late was far too full of city boys. Secondly I didn't spend the time to really choose who to approach and who would actually be a good fit- the scattergun approach of chatting to everyone meant too many dull emails both sent and received and I invested very little in the relationships I was creating. And finally and I think most importantly, I was let down by the fact that I didn't really, actually, ever expect it to work. And with such low expectations I went out with some wildly unsuitable men. I learnt a lot from my three months of iPhone dating- about Mexican race relations, about Tory party internal politics, about good bars in Balham and mostly, despite being very happy to talk to a meet new people, that I don't actually have a lot of confidence in myself or the likelihood of finding a man who would be interested in me. And unfortunately I don't think there's an app for that.

Welcome

Hello

Yesterday I contacted an artist and he replied with "Do you have a website?"

I didn't but I should.

So here it is.

My little space of the internet where I will post what I want and share what I create.

Welcome.