A Poem for Emerson, With His Back Turned

I hold my palm to the small of his back
The last connection before we fall asleep
And through it I feel pulsing
the spoken and unspoken
the heat, the heart, the desire.
I hold my palm to the small of his back
And it burns.

Happy New Year

So 2012 was actually pretty awesome. I moved in with my boyfriend, ran a half marathon, completed the capital ring, got a raise and a new job, started doing some volunteering that I absolutely love, was in London for the Olympics and Paralympics and also got away to Cornwall to stay in a beautiful yurt and then to Devon to see my stepbrother get married. And although I spend far too much time being anxious about things, I know I'm actually incredibly lucky and I'm very grateful for the people in my life and that I get to live in a time and place where I have so many advantages and options.

I always do I giant list of things I want to achieve in the next year and this year is no exception. I doubt I'll manage them all but I like having goals and lists and things to aim for so here goes.

1. Keep exercising. I want to be able to run 10k in under an hour and to beat my half marathon time. I've found it quite hard to motivate myself since I finished my half but I really want to keep going.
2. Work hard at work. Even if it's uninspiring keep going and do the best I can. Work out what I really want to be doing and make the effort to develop those aspects. Think seriously about a part time research masters. But don't let work take over my life
3. Keep on volunteering and possibly take on more. It makes me incredibly happy and I want to keep it in my life
4. Be proactive. Less time faffing around on the Internet and more time doing things. Do more craft, get round to starting a group in Camberwell, join the choir, start a new project, walk the London LOOP etc.etc.etc. I'm happier when I'm out and about doing stuff so DO STUFF
5. Doing stuff also includes blogging. Write more, create more, share more. Especially write more.
6. Make an effort with the people in my life. Try to see friends more often, keep in touch more, write thank you notes, invite people to things. I live with my best friend so it's easy to get lazy but I shouldn't. I know lots of amazing people and I want to cultivate that.
7. Find a way to be politically involved that doesn't break me. I hate our current government and learning about their continued stupidity angers and upsets me and I don't know what I can do. So I've mostly given up. But I need to carry on doing something. My latest plan is to send hand drawn postcards to ministers which isn't much but is at least using my voice.
8. Keep on top of my finances. I've sorted out a budget and for the moment I'm mostly living within my means and saving and paying off debt. I want to keep this up all this year so by 2014 I can be debt free with a healthy savings buffer. I don't need to buy as much rubbish as I do, so hopefully I can remember that and keep to what I need to.
9. Lose 3 1/2 stone. I almost hate writing that down. I have such issues with dieting and the obsession women have with their weight and the idea that you have to be thin to be happy and you should be miserable if not. I've never dieted in my life and I really don't want to screw my metabolism over and I don't want to be one of those joyless people who obsess about food and talk about "being good" as if their moral worth depends on whether they order a salad or not. I want my life to be full and happy regardless of my weight and it is. But I also know, despite eating lots of seasonal fruit and veg and cooking from scratch and exercising (although that's slipped recently), I am not nearly as healthy as I should be. There are certain medication the doctors won't put me on because of my weight, I eat far far too much rubbish and have too little self control. I want to eat more healthily and feel better in myself and not eat a whole packet of biscuits because it's there. So I'm actually going to make a concerted effort to lose weight. I'm not going to starve myself of deny myself everything but I am going to eat properly and less and actually make an effort. And by writing it down and putting it here hopefully it will make it more likely to happen.

I hope you all have a fabulous 2013.

Cushion

Unlike last year I haven't home-made much for Christmas this year. But I did make this cushion cover for my sister to match her newly decorated living room. I invented the pattern myself and was very relieved that it worked as I only finished it two days before Christmas!

Christmas Cake Pops

When I left my last job I was bought a voucher for The Make Lounge.

I spent it on a Christmas cake pop decorating course and below are the results.

The tutor April made the pops for us and coated them in a layer of white chocolate. Her recipe and blog is here

 A basic pop

 a bit of marbling

 Half way through

 All finished. See the wine in the background? Provided as part of the course!

 My favourite

 Cute snowman

 Wrapped up and ready to gift (or unwrap and eat)

 Ready to go home

I haven't got around to buying anything to replicate these at home but it's good to know how easy thety are to make. I think Easter egg cake pops might be on the cards this year.

Map wrap

I rescued a 1972 road atlas of Great Britain from the recycle bin at work a few months ago fully intending to use it for lots of crafty projects. I've done very little so far, although I've pinned lots of overly ambitious projects to pinterest and I have a pretty great Christmas gift idea.

Yesterday though was my boyfriends birthday and while I don't know how much he appreciated it, I was very impressed by the wrapping of his gift.

 Card and book

 Bow made from the amazing route maps at the front of the atlas (also it's hard to wrap a guitar)

Birthday fun

Flat Pack Joy

When my parents were divorcing my Mum's new house was fully furnished from Ikea. While I loved building the furniture and the ingenious methods by which it fitted together I also hated the shop. And mostly because this advert constantly rubbing salt into my adolescent wounds.



I have now grown older and wiser and my hatred has abated. And although most of my furniture is from freecycle I do love a trip to Ikea. Plus even when furniture has been in storage for 7 years they will still send you replacement parts! We now have a reasonable size table in our flat and can eat facing each other rather than the window. Plus two new step parents and a pair of step siblings later they were probably right. Happier families all round and stylish Swedish furniture. Everyone's a winner.

Personal training

I recently joined a new gym. It's close to work, cheap, contract-free and has loads of classes incldung a lunchtime spin class that nearly killed me. Having trained all summer for my half marathon I'm determined not to let me new-found fitness go to waste while it's too dark in the evenings to run. Except every time I go to the gym I'm confronted with this poster and it makes my blood boil.

I know some of it is me being over-sensitive. That despite how much I like and embrace the Health at Every Size agenda I still feel insecure in my body. That even though I can now run 13 miles continuously I still feel fat and foolish going to do exercise. And every time I see this poster that's what I feel- fat and foolish. And it's no accident. The whole premise of the poster is women are all fat and unnatractive and inherently worthless without other people's approval. All Ladies! need to Lose the Fat! Not just the overweight women- the assumtion is that every single woman in that gym will feel she needs to lose weight. And why? Because Christmas is coming. You're going to go to parties and wear sexy clothes and eat nice food. And it's such a sad state of affairs that instead of that being a good thing it's a cause of anxiety. Here it's a veiled threat- how dare you celebrate and look good and, god forbid, eat, when you are so incredibly fat and hideous. People will judge you and mock you and you can't possibly enjoy any of those things without other people's approval which you will only get when you Lose the Fat! (and pay a trainer lots of money). This advert isn't saying those things explicitly but it's using a shared language of understanding- the way women are meant to talk about and think about themselves- I'm so ugly, I'll never look good, I shouldn't eat nice things. And while this advert isn't responsible for those codes or attitudes, it is perpetuating them. And every time I visit the gym, every time I do something positive for my health that makes me feel better about myself I'm confronted by this advert telling me I'm fat and worthless. And it makes me angry.

Maybe though that's how they market to everyone? This isn't really a sexist poster suggesting women's only motivation for going to the gym is to look good for other people, it's how they treat all their customers. Or maybe not.

Men who go to the gym aren't universally assumed to be fat. They are strong, lean and fit and could be even stronger, leaner and fitter. Men you are awesome and could be even awesomer. Why oh why can't women be told the same thing?